another whole night of labour and still waiting haha
ya lay there and the pain comes and of course you know what its like, ya start to think 'oh hell, i have changed my mind!' because you know its going to get worse - oh the memories come flooding back! TOO LATE!! Am happier to keep it in right now!!!!!
MW said this was the calm before the storm, the serene feeling you have before birth. Excellent!

too true...

"The hurrieder we go, the behinder we get."

I am freaking out inside

Its one week til Christmas...
I am far from ready.
My youngest doesn't have a pressie yet as its on layby and might not be paid off in time.
My older two have pressies.
Santa stuff is almost finished (the rest is in the layby)
I have 6 children/teens I buy/make for and they are not finished.
I also do not have pressie for my parents or any other adults.
The last few months has been tight and just seems to get tighter. Contact doubled my smooth pay payment and that chewed up all my free money planned to buy Christmas gifts with. We have had multiple doctor visits and prescriptions. Really I just want to cry. I get myself all strong and "I can do this" empowered then I realise how much I need I just want to forget the whole thing.

The kids are away this weekend so I want to get housework up to date and a few things made for pressies.
I need to start the new week feeling more ready.. even just slightly ready would be good.

Being happy...

Now if I am being totally truthful... I'm not sure if I'm ever fulfilled! That might sound weird.. but with my depression I don't often reallllly feel good.. or great or even reallllly happy. I have moments I enjoy, things I love but it doesn't often really reach the core of me. I want to feel all gooey and soppy and amazingly sing and dance down the street happy and go to bed at the end of the day feeling like I lived a really authentic ME today.

How does one get from point A (where I am now) to point fulfilled (where I aim to be)????

I have decided step one is to do things that make me happy (even if the happiness I feel is fleeting)

so to start off I am going to make a list of things that make me happy.. they might be utterly random but they are things that make me smile inside or out and give me a little joy in my day. (so next time I'm feeling bad I can read this list and go do or find something on it)

I will add to this list as I think of things.

1. Receiving a txt from a friend that's random and unexpected
2. Receiving an email for no real reason but to chat
3. Receiving mail that's not a bill (doesn't happen often but when it does I love it)
4. The feel of my children's arms around my neck as they hug me
5. The sound of my children's laughter
6. Being told "I love you mumma"
7. Other people appreciating food I have cooked
8. The feeling when I have made something and it turns out how I imagined
9. Seeing my children appreciate things I have made them
10. The smell of books
11. Browsing at the library
12. Finishing a really good book
13. The moment in a good book when I want to stop and write out a quote that moved me so I don't forget it
14. Watching my children enjoy books
15. Seeing new flowers blooming
16. the smell of rain on hot concrete
17. the smell of cut grass
18. the sound as cars go over railway tracks
19. photos that truly capture a moment how you see it in your head
20. beautiful loopy handwriting
21. colourful crystals
22. the smell of good coffee
23. colourful eyeshadow
24. good mascara
25. hypnotic poison perfume (I have worn it for 12 years)
26. music that makes you think it was written for you or about your life
27. movies that touch you and make you want to make the world a better place
28. thrift and vintage shopping
29. finding something amazing when thrift or vintage shopping
30. reading blogs by people I aspire to be more like
31. making something new out of something old
32. cinnamon
33. vanilla
34. coconut
35. passionfruit
36. candles and incense
37. holding a new baby
38. picking food grown in my garden
39. greeting my children after school
40. checking on my sleeping children and seeing their peaceful sleeping faces
41. slipping into a freshly made bed with clean sheets